According to details that our undercover nerd spies have discovered, the Orks are in fact fungi who reproduce using spores, which is just as well, because if their reproduction relied on attracting a mate, their species would have died long ago. The Orks (yet another bloody rip off of Tolkein) are an army of green putty that bears vague resemblance to a horde of slobbering piranhas/bears. These sayings include You cannot imagine what we have seen with our eyes and look, it changes as I play. The Eldar say deeply disturbing things, which will throw off anyone inexperienced with them. ![]() Unfortunately it takes one Eldar second (equivalent to 200 Earth years) to reload, and explodes on contact with rain or wind.ģ. The Fire Prism tank is the one descent unit on this team of ethereal lesbians. They have psychic powers such as Mind War, which makes a single enemy unit lose health very, very slowly, Eldritch Storm', which makes a blue light appear on the battlefield (It does not injure anyone, but if you use it right you can terminally blind other online players, or if you're really good, send them into an epileptic fit) and also the ability to summon the Avatar of Kane, which is basically the Balrog, making them the worst plagiarisers of Tolkien in the galaxy.Ģ. Things that make the Eldar vaguely acceptable as a playable army.ġ. But seriously, the Eldar can't fight for shit, even to protect their home-planet Planet of The Apes The Eldar are a complete rip off of J.R.R Tolkien's Elves, except that they are reputedly the worst entirely- female army in the universe(apart from the avatar)(ERM Rangers are Male, Darkreapers are MALE, WArlocks are MALE, and Guardians are mostly male too, get ur facts right kid)!!, and get owned repeatedly, unless they can build webway gates and use them to keep teleporting their building away from the enemies, which pisses of all of the other online players off, so you will never be allowed into another online lobby on pain of being shot with a plasma rifle (They really exist!). The Space Marines specialise in being better than all of the other races statistically, meaning that you are stupid if you chose any other army. As they advance in their training the Space Marines are also encouraged to wear their regimental pointless rucksacks and smarmy attitude, which screams I'm better than you, get over it, or, in extreme cases BOW BEFORE THE WILL OF THE OF EMPEROR, FOUL HERETIC! The Space Marines are gradually, as they become more and more trained, allowed to handle increasingly more dangerous weaponry, starting with the command-issue slightly-sharpened butter knife, then rising to electrified battle swords,(that are designed not to shock the person holding them, despite how funny that would be).Īnd finally receiving small doomsday devices called "bolters", capable of firing twice per turn, with a range of 12 inches (24 if you only fire once). This is an emperor totally different from the one mentioned in this article They are then deported to distant planets that no-one has heard of, such as Germos (which does not resemble Germany as much as you would think), Lesbos (which does have as many lesbians as you would think) and The Halo (a secret ring world were epic online battles are fought between nerds, who like the game even though its like every other shoot-'em up ever). Huge bulky people from around the universe are recruited to serve his holy stiffness, provided that they can pass the entry test, which involves putting on the Space Marine armour, and still being able to walk a short distance. This is a form of reverse-racism, which will exist in 40,000 years time. It was decided that someone so important and dead-looking should be made the Emperor of Mankind, and be worshipped by all people since they can move and he can't. The Space Marines were formed when someone got paralyzed and sat in a huge throne, staring at people as though they were doing something wrong. In this strategy game, you must control one of seven armies, ranging from the mighty Space Marines, da biggest and da strongest Orks, the slightly more mighty Chaos Space Marines, the stealthy, old race of Eldar, the Necrons - Living metal skeletons, the technologically Superior Tau, or the human Imperial Guard, who mass the battlefield with sheer numbers.
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